In one of the greatest achievements yet in the multi-year effort to transform New York’s third largest city into the world’s third largest glamorous hub of luxury high rises, movie and TV production, and upscale recreation, the city today announced plans for a 600-room hotel complex to be built in the city’s largely abandoned southwest side.
To be called the Hendryk Spano Hotel, the new complex will rise above Yonkers on a hilltop currently occupied by a little used city park. In addition to 600 luxury rooms, the hotel will have the world’s third largest infinity pool, the world’s third largest Yoga center and spa complex, the world’s third best indoor harness racing track, and a Italian restaurant to be created by celebrity chef Antonio Spano, recently named the third best chef in Yonkers in the high competitive welterweight division.
The hotel honors Sir Hendryk Spano, the explorer who discovered Yonkers in 1592. Today, 20 generations later, Yonkers is lucky enough to be under the complete and total control of Mayor Mike Spano, a direct descendent of the famed explorer.
“While we have driven extremely hard bargains for the highly favorable real estate development deals during my first 15 terms in office, this hotel is the hardest bargain and greatest achievement yet,” Spano said. “We have provided the hotel with interest-free financing, 500-years of property tax abatements, exemption from all environmental regulations and preemptive, retroactive and perpetual pardons for any and all crimes, including crimes not yet invented.”
Who Will Work at Spano Hotel?
“The hotel will provide jobs to some of the least deserving members of the Yonkers community,” noted HR director Familia Spano. “Applicants will be ranked according to bloodline proximity and headshot quality.”
The hotel was inspired by such world class properties as the Chateau Frontenac in Quebec and the Flamingo Hotel in Las Vegas, according to Frank Lloyd Spano, chief architect. “I set out to design nothing less than the world’s third most beautiful hotel,” Spano explained, adding that he was “deeply inspired by a Hampton Inn brochure and a recurring dream about Caesar’s Palace.” Spano previously won plaudits for his redesign of a car wash near the Cross County Shopping Center, as well as several innovative Central Ave mini-marts.
Zoning has been pre-emptively approved by Robert Moses Spano, head of the city’s zoning board of approval, which has allowed SDDG (Spano Dynasty Development Group) to already break ground, according to Donald J. Spano, SDDG CEO.
Neighbors Delighted
Southwest Yonkers residents welcomed the sound of early morning explosions as the developers detonated TNT to prepare the hilltop site. “It’s so wonderful to hear the sound of progress,” noted one local resident who was picking through his scorched belongings after the demolition of his home.
“It was a real Hollywood on the Hudson moment for everyone,” declared the city’s chief spokesperson, Capri Spano. Film crews from some of the hugely impressive Hollywood studios that may remain in their massive new facilities in the city for at least the next year were hand to film the massive blasts for potential use in upcoming Hollywood blockbusters, including Snow White II and the streaming spinoffs from Shazam! Fury of the Gods, to be produced by noted local cineaste Francis Ford Spano.
Advanced reservations to the Spano Hotel can be made by calling 1-800-MJSPANO.
APRIL FOOL’S!
